Poems

Poem#1
My closet, it is my Nautilus. I have designed it as a means to alleviate myself from intensity of the world.

With my pillows and blankets piled high like a nest. I run to this room, that is not a room, for my minds rest.

I sometimes close my eyes and go to a far away land. Other times, I simply sit and stare at the creamy colored walls and listen to the fan.

I draw, I write, I fantasize with my mind, all the wonders, how I wish I could see them, in the sometimes not so fantastical realm-

 I sit in my little world, in awe and wonder, but when I come out I find myself in bleak disappointment and in quite a blunder.

My mundane life does not satisfy me in the least. I find no urge to find someone, or to converse with any person, or even just to aloud speak.

If I didn't have to surface for air, I might stay under this realm for quite a time without a care.

My dear Captain Nemo, I fear I do know- exactly how you feel about mankind on this Earth.


Poem#2

I find it frustrating that I cannot seem to find the words I want to say, I cannot find the words to explain.

I can't explain how I feel, or just quite what I mean.

I wish I could share in vivid detail all the things, I plan, I sing; the things I pray to just be a thing.

My hands do not draw what I wish for them to depict. I find it vexatious, due to what I see in my mind that is very picturesque.

I wish I could be like the authors, the painters, the musicians and the poets. I wish I could paint images with word, and with soft sounds like roses.

I am not social nor graceful by any means of the words, but I do truly wish my thought could be heard.

Whose got two thumbs and never wants to be pulled into other peoples drama ever again?

THIS GIRL!

Ugh! Why do people feel the need to make me the go-between? The middle man, the mediator, the fucking person who has to make them be nice to each other. I refuse, I'm done being a peace maker. It's your problem, both of you, I don't need, nor want, to be in the middle of you two anymore. Maybe someone needs to just move out if you can't take it. This is not my job sorry guys I'm done.

Why is it, that some people make drama when none is in fact called for? Simple questions, changed into something so big, that the world is falling down around them?
I'll admit I've gotten upset on the trivial, from time to time (usually on the that special time of the month) but for the most part I don't care enough to get upset. Do some people really like drama so much that they create it for themselves? I don't understand it. Me and my sister really need to get the tattoo that says "I don't understand." We say it SSSOOOOOO, so much.

So, wow, I haven't posted for a very long time, and what a way to jump back into it. Maybe, I need to start doing this more. Just going on a little rant every once in a while. It's good to vent.

I don't get it but, here ya go.

Can't Stop

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♥

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So. Much. Photoshop. 

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I have older pictures that I'm playing with now! Damn it, it's so addictive.

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♥

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I'm ridiculous

this shiz is legit 

Last Night

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Hello, people who are probably not reading this. So last night I tried on my bridesmaid dress from my sisters’ wedding, and it was tight. Not just a little snug. No! Really tight! I thought I wasn’t going to be able to take it off. The worst part is, is that it used to be WAY too big. I almost broke down and cried.

Why have I done this to myself? How could I have let it get this far? I need to make a change here and now! I’m making a promise to myself that I will be healthier, I will become more fit. I’m disgusted in what I have done to myself. A few years ago I had lost 30 lbs. now I have gained it all back and then some.

I wish I could figure out why I did this, but I just need to move on. I need to get my shit started. I’m fixing this. I’m going to change my outlook on life. I’ve been so scared to live. Why? Why would I have let my life come to this? I’m exactly like a certain person (who shall not be named), that I never wanted to be! I could blame my parents, I could blame society, I could even blame the government, but I’m not. This is my own fault. I could have changed myself years ago, but I didn’t. I’m taking responsibility.

I’m going to live my life much truer now. I’m not going to hide who I am anymore. If people think I’m crazy, then that’s okay. I've said these things to myself before, but last night was such an eye opener. I’ve been swimming through life trying to decide who or what I am, and that’s silly, you’ve just got to be you, no matter what. I’m weird. So what? Now I’ve just got to deal with my shit on the inside so I can fix my body. I mean this is the whole reason I started this damn blog. I’m going to post a picture of myself at my heaviest and I’m going to come back to it every now and then to remind me of what and why I’m doing this.

I weigh 286 lbs. (far too close to 300) and I’m 5’7. For my height and frame I should weigh from 130 lbs. to 150lbs. Let’s see… 286 minus, let’s say 140? That would be 146 lbs. over my target weight. 146 lbs. I need to lose. Wow, doing the math put it in even more perspective for me. My goal weight is 140 to 160, to give it some leeway.  No more math for right now, I don’t want to break it down the how many pounds a month or anything like that. I think if I stress myself about how much a week or a month that I will just fail. I need to go a stress free route, because I stress eat. I also LOVE food so I need to break-up with it. It’s hard because you NEED to eat. I just need to break the relationship of food, and see it as JUST food.

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Me: “Food, I’m sorry this just isn’t going to work out. I don’t even think we can be friends. We can only be co-workers from now on. We’ll be on speaking terms, though. We just can’t be more than that. ”

Food: “…”

Me: “Say something!”

Food: “…”

Me: “Yeah… forgot food doesn’t talk.” 

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Take that society! In my PJ's and everything.  

As you can see this bitch is pear shaped... like a boss.

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My Entire Day

Yeah, so... Yesterday I was reading another blog and I found out about PicMonkey. So I spent the entire day on it. I'm not shittin' you, THE ENTIRE DAY! Until 1:00 a.m. So. much. editing. Holy shit.

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Editing can even make a shitty picture look presentable.

I can pretend to be a hipster even better now! To bad my glasses have lenses though.

I posted this before just edited differently.

Last nights dinner
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Bye.

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Trip and Pics, but not of my trip.

Well, I went down to Tucson for a few days and stayed with my sister, and hung out with my nieces and nephews. I'm sad I didn't get to see my other niece and her baby (my great niece). We only had just a couple days then we had to come back to Phoenix, ugh. So now I'm back. Woo! I didn't take very many pictures of Tucson. In fact I didn't take any pictures just a couple pictures of my sisters rose bush and some of her other flowers lol.

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So, you know how I said, I would need a few days to get used to my room? Well, I love it! And I'm not changing it for a while. I'll probably get tired of it eventually, but I like it for now. I really like being in my room, it's my sanctuary. Yay for fun rooms!

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I'm pretty excited about my garden, it's really coming along. Well, as best as a garden in Phoenix can come along lol.

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Nasturtium flower! I'm so excited that it bloomed! 

Bougainvillea, I didn't plant it, but I love it anyway. 

Bougainvillea

The squash is taking over.

Squash explosion!

Tomatoes 

columbine flower

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Now for random photos:

This is my Mommy and Daddy from the 70's. I love this picture so much. It makes my heart smile. <:)3

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<3

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Dreams and Such

I haven't written anything in a while so I'm just gonna jot down some of the things that are on my mind.

Okie dokie here we go!

First thing is the broken toilet, that just happened today. UGH! 

Anyway...

I've been thinking a lot about a certain dream of mine; and that is opening up a cute little boho coffee shop. I'm not sure that will ever happen. In this economy, stores and shop are closing down left and right and things aren't looking good... especially since it's 2012 and the world has an immanent doom that has been cast upon us by the ancient Mayans lol. But, I want my little coffee shop so bad.  I can see it in my head the warm colors, the smell of espresso, fresh baked goods, art from local artists on the walls, the people talking, indi music playing, having regulars I can just imagine everything. My heart aches for it and I know it sounds stupid, but it's something I really want. Since I was a teenager I've toyed with idea having my own little boho coffee shop my ideas have changed it a bit over the years, but I've had the Idea none the less. I think I'm going to go for a business degree, I know, a generic degree... but who cares? right? It's something, something more than I'm doing right now, which is nothing... 

I'm also trying to get back into my art. It's been about 2 years now that I haven't really done any art. As an artistic person I'm really disappointed with the fact that I haven't done much art for so long. My entire life I've always done art, I would draw everyday, I used to paint all the time and all sorts of different crafts, but I haven't really done any of that. Not since I started gardening have I wanted to do it and now I've been taking pictures I've started to doodle, just baby steps back into my art world. I still look at things the way I used to, I still will look at something and then start to pick it apart, and figure out how it works so maybe I could figure out how to draw or paint it. I never got really great at my art, but I really enjoyed it. The past couple of years though, have proved to be a kinda tough. I used to use my art as a way to express my emotions, my thoughts, but I lost it, and now I'm trying to get it back. I need to fight for my expression again. I've let myself become a drone, and that's a bit distressing. 

That brings me to this, the drone thing. I really have been living on auto pilot for quite a while now. I used to be so vibrant, and energetic. I always wanted to go place to see new things, I still want to see things I want to travel. I used to have a drive, I used to believe my life was going to be so much more, and then nothing happened. I still see things through my child like wonder, I still do see everything as an adventure, but it's just  happening less now. It's my own fault for letting myself become this person, and here is where this blog comes in. I started this to start a change in my life, and It really has. I've been keeping to it, even though I have some serious ADD and don't stick to things more than a day lol. I didn't think this was what was going to happen when I started this post, but I think it's really shed some light on things I've been avoiding, which is life really, when I think about it. I've been avoiding it like the plague, I usually just make everything a joke so i can avoid the painful aspects of life. Yeah, that's gotta stop. Time to start living!  

Oh, boy! Have I been a Debbie Downer today!

Here's a random picture:

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More Backyard Adventures

So I went out and took some pictures today... of my backyard. (once again)

We have a nest.

Bugs View.

Normal grass is rare here in Arizona. 

Sprinklers! woo!

This sums up my day... I did jack and shit today lol.

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Room Redone

I redid my room today... It might take me a few days to decide if I like it. I wanted color on my walls but I don't think we're allowed the paint (rental) so I took that orange fabric that was hanging over my bed and hung along half of my room. Then I created a little alcove for my desk with some more fabric. I rearranged a bit, broke my desk chair and am now using the light blue chair that was next to my bookcase lol. I feel fancy, and really close to the floor. It's still a work in progress and I'm thinking its gonna take some getting used to. I don't know if I would have chosen this color to paint on the walls but maybe it will really grow on me it's kind of a shock each time I come in my room. I'm not finished yet, my Mom went to bed so I stopped hammering. Once I get a new computer chair I'll be moving the blue chair back. My room is far to small for all the things I have in it but I love those things, and I'm making them work... kinda. My room feels smaller, but much more cozy. I can be pretty fickle sometimes I may just end up tearing every thing down and redoing it lol.

Family picture collage 

My desk is still a mess.

the wall I created with fabric

My office

My sloppily made bed. 

Random

Ok, just a few things...

I need this.

AAaandd...

I should wear this everyday.

Also....

This is my hipster pic of the day...





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I Drew This

I drew this...

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Sad Attempts

Ok, so I posted those pictures of how my dream house would be decorated.... this was my attempt.....

View #1 of my bed.

View #2 of my bed.

Back of a chair with a sweater on it and random stuff on the wall.

kind of a different view.

This is the corner on the other side  of my bed. I have way more books! that's just all that flimsy thing could hold.  

 As you can see this was a fail in a half. I'm pretty sure my room looks like a weird teenage and child-like wanna-be room lol. 


Ugh. I need to redo my room, but I don't know what to do. It's driving me crazy.




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