Last Night

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Hello, people who are probably not reading this. So last night I tried on my bridesmaid dress from my sisters’ wedding, and it was tight. Not just a little snug. No! Really tight! I thought I wasn’t going to be able to take it off. The worst part is, is that it used to be WAY too big. I almost broke down and cried.

Why have I done this to myself? How could I have let it get this far? I need to make a change here and now! I’m making a promise to myself that I will be healthier, I will become more fit. I’m disgusted in what I have done to myself. A few years ago I had lost 30 lbs. now I have gained it all back and then some.

I wish I could figure out why I did this, but I just need to move on. I need to get my shit started. I’m fixing this. I’m going to change my outlook on life. I’ve been so scared to live. Why? Why would I have let my life come to this? I’m exactly like a certain person (who shall not be named), that I never wanted to be! I could blame my parents, I could blame society, I could even blame the government, but I’m not. This is my own fault. I could have changed myself years ago, but I didn’t. I’m taking responsibility.

I’m going to live my life much truer now. I’m not going to hide who I am anymore. If people think I’m crazy, then that’s okay. I've said these things to myself before, but last night was such an eye opener. I’ve been swimming through life trying to decide who or what I am, and that’s silly, you’ve just got to be you, no matter what. I’m weird. So what? Now I’ve just got to deal with my shit on the inside so I can fix my body. I mean this is the whole reason I started this damn blog. I’m going to post a picture of myself at my heaviest and I’m going to come back to it every now and then to remind me of what and why I’m doing this.

I weigh 286 lbs. (far too close to 300) and I’m 5’7. For my height and frame I should weigh from 130 lbs. to 150lbs. Let’s see… 286 minus, let’s say 140? That would be 146 lbs. over my target weight. 146 lbs. I need to lose. Wow, doing the math put it in even more perspective for me. My goal weight is 140 to 160, to give it some leeway.  No more math for right now, I don’t want to break it down the how many pounds a month or anything like that. I think if I stress myself about how much a week or a month that I will just fail. I need to go a stress free route, because I stress eat. I also LOVE food so I need to break-up with it. It’s hard because you NEED to eat. I just need to break the relationship of food, and see it as JUST food.

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Me: “Food, I’m sorry this just isn’t going to work out. I don’t even think we can be friends. We can only be co-workers from now on. We’ll be on speaking terms, though. We just can’t be more than that. ”

Food: “…”

Me: “Say something!”

Food: “…”

Me: “Yeah… forgot food doesn’t talk.” 

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Take that society! In my PJ's and everything.  

As you can see this bitch is pear shaped... like a boss.

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