It's been a while.

Well, I sure did let this thing go didn't I? I'm sure no one has ever seen this blog at all, so I'm sure it really doesn't matter does it? But . . . what the hell? I'm going to start posting on this again. I'll write all my deep shit here. It's public so I feel like I'm getting my feelings and thoughts out there, but no one will really read this or care what I'm posting. It's like an online public diary. lol. Blogging makes sense when you have something to blog about, when you have something interesting to show the world. What I'm doing is just silly, but maybe I need this. Maybe I need a place to vent. Maybe. Chances are I'll forget about this thing by tomorrow or if I got a little focus in there by next week. Ooh, thinking big there.

Oh, and here's a picture of the bane of my childhood existence.

Poems

Poem#1
My closet, it is my Nautilus. I have designed it as a means to alleviate myself from intensity of the world.

With my pillows and blankets piled high like a nest. I run to this room, that is not a room, for my minds rest.

I sometimes close my eyes and go to a far away land. Other times, I simply sit and stare at the creamy colored walls and listen to the fan.

I draw, I write, I fantasize with my mind, all the wonders, how I wish I could see them, in the sometimes not so fantastical realm-

 I sit in my little world, in awe and wonder, but when I come out I find myself in bleak disappointment and in quite a blunder.

My mundane life does not satisfy me in the least. I find no urge to find someone, or to converse with any person, or even just to aloud speak.

If I didn't have to surface for air, I might stay under this realm for quite a time without a care.

My dear Captain Nemo, I fear I do know- exactly how you feel about mankind on this Earth.


Poem#2

I find it frustrating that I cannot seem to find the words I want to say, I cannot find the words to explain.

I can't explain how I feel, or just quite what I mean.

I wish I could share in vivid detail all the things, I plan, I sing; the things I pray to just be a thing.

My hands do not draw what I wish for them to depict. I find it vexatious, due to what I see in my mind that is very picturesque.

I wish I could be like the authors, the painters, the musicians and the poets. I wish I could paint images with word, and with soft sounds like roses.

I am not social nor graceful by any means of the words, but I do truly wish my thought could be heard.

Whose got two thumbs and never wants to be pulled into other peoples drama ever again?

THIS GIRL!

Ugh! Why do people feel the need to make me the go-between? The middle man, the mediator, the fucking person who has to make them be nice to each other. I refuse, I'm done being a peace maker. It's your problem, both of you, I don't need, nor want, to be in the middle of you two anymore. Maybe someone needs to just move out if you can't take it. This is not my job sorry guys I'm done.

Why is it, that some people make drama when none is in fact called for? Simple questions, changed into something so big, that the world is falling down around them?
I'll admit I've gotten upset on the trivial, from time to time (usually on the that special time of the month) but for the most part I don't care enough to get upset. Do some people really like drama so much that they create it for themselves? I don't understand it. Me and my sister really need to get the tattoo that says "I don't understand." We say it SSSOOOOOO, so much.

So, wow, I haven't posted for a very long time, and what a way to jump back into it. Maybe, I need to start doing this more. Just going on a little rant every once in a while. It's good to vent.

I don't get it but, here ya go.

Can't Stop

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So. Much. Photoshop. 

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I have older pictures that I'm playing with now! Damn it, it's so addictive.

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♥

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I'm ridiculous

this shiz is legit 

Last Night

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Hello, people who are probably not reading this. So last night I tried on my bridesmaid dress from my sisters’ wedding, and it was tight. Not just a little snug. No! Really tight! I thought I wasn’t going to be able to take it off. The worst part is, is that it used to be WAY too big. I almost broke down and cried.

Why have I done this to myself? How could I have let it get this far? I need to make a change here and now! I’m making a promise to myself that I will be healthier, I will become more fit. I’m disgusted in what I have done to myself. A few years ago I had lost 30 lbs. now I have gained it all back and then some.

I wish I could figure out why I did this, but I just need to move on. I need to get my shit started. I’m fixing this. I’m going to change my outlook on life. I’ve been so scared to live. Why? Why would I have let my life come to this? I’m exactly like a certain person (who shall not be named), that I never wanted to be! I could blame my parents, I could blame society, I could even blame the government, but I’m not. This is my own fault. I could have changed myself years ago, but I didn’t. I’m taking responsibility.

I’m going to live my life much truer now. I’m not going to hide who I am anymore. If people think I’m crazy, then that’s okay. I've said these things to myself before, but last night was such an eye opener. I’ve been swimming through life trying to decide who or what I am, and that’s silly, you’ve just got to be you, no matter what. I’m weird. So what? Now I’ve just got to deal with my shit on the inside so I can fix my body. I mean this is the whole reason I started this damn blog. I’m going to post a picture of myself at my heaviest and I’m going to come back to it every now and then to remind me of what and why I’m doing this.

I weigh 286 lbs. (far too close to 300) and I’m 5’7. For my height and frame I should weigh from 130 lbs. to 150lbs. Let’s see… 286 minus, let’s say 140? That would be 146 lbs. over my target weight. 146 lbs. I need to lose. Wow, doing the math put it in even more perspective for me. My goal weight is 140 to 160, to give it some leeway.  No more math for right now, I don’t want to break it down the how many pounds a month or anything like that. I think if I stress myself about how much a week or a month that I will just fail. I need to go a stress free route, because I stress eat. I also LOVE food so I need to break-up with it. It’s hard because you NEED to eat. I just need to break the relationship of food, and see it as JUST food.

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Me: “Food, I’m sorry this just isn’t going to work out. I don’t even think we can be friends. We can only be co-workers from now on. We’ll be on speaking terms, though. We just can’t be more than that. ”

Food: “…”

Me: “Say something!”

Food: “…”

Me: “Yeah… forgot food doesn’t talk.” 

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Take that society! In my PJ's and everything.  

As you can see this bitch is pear shaped... like a boss.

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My Entire Day

Yeah, so... Yesterday I was reading another blog and I found out about PicMonkey. So I spent the entire day on it. I'm not shittin' you, THE ENTIRE DAY! Until 1:00 a.m. So. much. editing. Holy shit.

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Editing can even make a shitty picture look presentable.

I can pretend to be a hipster even better now! To bad my glasses have lenses though.

I posted this before just edited differently.

Last nights dinner
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Bye.

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